The idea of blogging as therapy, of course, was to do away with the expense of an actual therapist. Except I started seeing an actual therapist as well. Don't worry, there's crazy enough for all of you! Last week, I left a message for my therapist about my insurance coverage and asked her to call so we could set up another appointment. No calls. No texts. No e-mails. I don't want to get what-about-bob clingy, but um, when should I start worrying about the fact that even people I pay to talk to me are avoiding me?
I just finished reading The Good Sister by Drusilla Campbell and am now reading Reconceiving Women: Separating Motherhood from Female Identity by Mardy Ireland, Ph.D. The first is a novel about a woman who suffers postpartum psychosis and tries to kill her children. The second is a study of women who choose not to be mothers and how they must form their identities on different bases. Take what conclusions you will about these two reading choices, but I find the latter book very illuminating. Society implies that a woman's identity is intertwined with her mother role; in rescinding that role, women find that they have to reestablish who they are and how they fit into this world.
This whole motherhood identity conflict is one more example of continuing gender inequalities. A man is not viewed as "less than a person" if he does not father children. Other parents may tsk and sigh, of course, because he will not know the joys of parenthood as they do, but he is not looked on as less valuable for not procreating. Women who do not become mothers, however, are perceived to be cold workaholics, or lonely cat ladies, or somehow deficient. The book has a term for people like me who are reluctant to become mothers (chronically ambivalent) and biologically speaking, if we don't make a decision by a certain age, the decision is made for us. One's satisfaction either way, however, tends to revolve around "mirroring" relationships. Since most people will eventually have children, it is not hard for parents to find other families who reflect their own decisions and lifestyles. Those who do not decide to become parents, however, may have more difficulty finding people who mirror their lifestyle, another alienating factor for those who buck societal trends.
The analytical style of the book is essential when dealing with such an emotionally wrought subject. Case studies provide stories of other women who have gone through or are going through the same social alienation. And I must admit it's easier to think of my friends with children as searching for "mirroring" friends as opposed to an outright rejection of me because I don't have a child for their children to play with.
This might also explain the therapist radio silence. I'm not sure if she has kids or not, but it may explain her reticence to call. Which is ridiculous, I know, but a preferable alternative to "I hope that crazy patient just forgets about me and never calls back."
