Session 1: I have issues

So, apparently, I have issues.

This should be no surprise, considering I am a member of the human race, and we all tend to be a little fucked up, not to mention the title of the blog is a big red flag, but actually, I thought I was pretty centered.

I mean, sure, I'm nowhere near the weight I want to be, and I compulsively spend (which has led to some financial issues), and despite a graduate education I am not in the field of my dreams (if you spend it -- it being the massive price of education -- they will not necessarily come -- they being the magic career fairies that fling their fulfilling, high-paying jobs at the educated ones).

Still, I thought I was getting the hang of this whole life thing.

A little self-help reading and listening (long live the audiobook!), however, have revealed that my "quirks" are actually manifestations of emotional repression and that there are likely some demons I have yet to confront. (No, not real demons, evangelicals, so you can put away your exorcism kits.)

Exhibit A: the weight thing. I stayed at a healthy weight most of my life until college, when I gained the requisite Freshman 15, but then I went home for the summer and lost 25. So far so good. From then on, the weight has ballooned and deflated (more ballooning than deflating) until I am now severely overweight. This is not from lack of knowledge. I subscribe to several fitness and health magazines, and a diet-centric education from my mother has ensured I know everything about carbs, proteins, fats, phytonutrients, calories, sodium, etc. So, the problem is not that I just don't know how to be fit. It goes deeper than that, to some psychological level, which will probably require some wrenching emotional excavation. Yippee!

Exhibit B: the finances thing. I make a good salary. I should have money. However, with student loan debt, massive credit card debt, and a compulsive need to click and buy, I barely have enough to pay the bills. There goes the therapy-for-compulsive-eating solution. So, if paying a therapist is out, blogging for therapy is in. The blogosphere can be my (free!) therapist, sitting on a couch and nodding as I spew my emotional baggage without restraint. You might want to duck.

Currently I am reading or have read the following books:

1. Half-Assed: A Weight Loss Memoir by Jennette Fulda. Having just finished 703 by Nancy Makin -- a memoir of a woman's journey to and from 703 pounds but which unfortunately skimps on humor and weight loss tips -- I was hesitant to start another weight loss memoir, but in an effort to stay motivated, I did a Kindle search for "weight loss" and downloaded Fulda's highly-rated book. I'm glad I did. I'm not done with it yet, but it's a highly enjoyable read; Fulda is damn funny. My only complaint is an improper use of verb tense sometimes, but that's really an English major's idiosyncrasy and doesn't detract from my thumbs-up.
2. Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. Roth is a renowned compulsive eating expert, and this is the second book of hers I've read/listened to. I was a little off-put by the God in the title (I was raised in, and have since left, a highly conservative Christian denomination and now I am highly sensitive to proselytizing), but Roth's usage of the term is broad, sort of like the Higher Power in AA. Roth gives some good tips for overcoming overeating, having gone through diet-binge cycles herself, and she gives some anecdotes from her compulsive-eating seminar retreats. 
3. Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat? by Peter Walsh. On Labor Day weekend, A&E had a marathon of Hoarders I watched while I was cleaning (great motivation, by the way), so I have some fresh images of houses overrun with boxes, newspapers, junk and spoiled food to match with his stories of helping to clear "clutter" on The Clean Sweep. He relates his hoarding solutions to overeating, theorizing that the same tendencies lead to both compulsions. I just started this one, but I'm interested to see where it goes and if he has any practical solutions I can use.
4. The Beach by Alex Garland. Okay, so this one has nothing to do with weight loss or financial issues, but it was a fascinating read. I'd heard about the poorly-reviewed movie, but my boyfriend recommended the book, so I downloaded the audiobook for my commute. Beautiful descriptive language, haunting situations, and unpredictable characters made for an entertaining read, but I will need some time to process the book in order to provide an in-depth analysis.

Pretty much all the self-help books say the same thing, although it's always nice to have a reminder: in order to lose the weight (or clear the clutter, or stop the spending), you have to deal with the psychological issues that are causing the behavior. So that's what I'm going to try to do.

If the first step is admitting a problem, I've got that down. The rest should be a piece of cake, right? Mmmm. Cake.